Understanding the Neuroscience of “Alarmed Aloneness”: A Path to Transforming Persistent Shame

This blog, based on the work of Sarah Peyton, explores the intricate relationship between shame and neuroscience. Peyton's concept of "alarmed aloneness" describes the intense emotional state triggered by disconnection or trauma—often from early childhood or life events like betrayal. Shame, rooted in feelings of unworthiness, impacts us emotionally and physically. Peyton’s research shows that understanding the brain’s response to shame and identifying self-punishing internal "rules" can lead to healing through compassion.

Have you ever felt persistent shame, even after trying to overcome it?

If so, you might be experiencing what Sarah Peyton calls “alarmed aloneness.” This blog explores the brain science behind these feelings and shows how understanding them can lead to meaningful transformation.

What Is Shame?

According to Sarah Peyton, shame is more than just an emotion—it’s a deep and complex experience that affects the nervous system. Shame can feel like intense embarrassment, humiliation, or disgrace, often caused by cultural expectations, personal failures, or unresolved trauma. It triggers stress responses like increased cortisol (a stress hormone), slumped posture, and withdrawal from others.

Different Faces of Shame

Sarah Peyton explains that shame can take on many forms, including:

Contempt from Others: Feeling ashamed when ridiculed by those in power.
Excessive Emotional Expression: Embarrassment when our emotions feel overwhelming to others.
Violation of Integrity: Shame from acting against our morals.
Self-Disgust: Shame rooted in self-criticism or dissatisfaction.
Not Feeling Good Enough: Belief that we don’t meet society’s or our own expectations.
Parental Shame: Shame learned from caregivers in childhood.
Existential Shame: Feeling shame simply for existing.

Shame releases the highest levels of cortisol, making it a very intense experience.

Shame vs. Guilt

Sarah Peyton clarifies the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is tied to specific actions—feeling bad about something we did—while shame is about the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with who we are. Understanding this difference is essential to separating behaviour from identity and helps shift the internal narrative toward compassion.

The Neuroscience Behind Shame

Shame affects the body on a deep level. It causes physical reactions like slumping shoulders, avoiding eye contact, and a desire to disappear. These reactions are similar to submission behaviours in animals. Peyton points out that these are survival responses, showing how deeply shame is wired into our nervous system.

The Concept of Alarmed Aloneness

When we experience shame, Peyton explains that we often enter a state of “alarmed aloneness”—a profound feeling of being emotionally stranded or disconnected from others. This state is triggered by disconnection and is different from the fight-or-flight response, reflecting an emotional freeze. "Alarmed aloneness" is often linked to early trauma, such as abandonment or betrayal, and leaves us vulnerable to deep feelings of shame.

How Pornography Addiction Fuels "Alarmed Aloneness"

Pornography addiction can worsen this emotional isolation, reinforcing "alarmed aloneness." People often turn to pornography to escape feelings of disconnection, but the secrecy surrounding it can intensify shame. As individuals escalate to content that conflicts with their morals, ethics, or sexuality, they may feel self-disgust and fear of being discovered. This cycle strengthens feelings of emotional isolation and shame, further deepening "alarmed aloneness" and perpetuating the addiction.

Recognizing and Releasing Unconscious Contracts

Peyton’s work highlights the role of “unconscious contracts”—hidden rules we create to avoid shame. Through compassionate conversations, Peyton helps people identify these contracts, such as "If I am invisible, I won’t be a burden." By verbalizing and challenging these contracts, people can begin to release their hold.

The Circuits of Emotion and Motivation

Understanding the brain’s emotional circuits helps individuals see how shame is wired into their nervous system. Peyton explains that shame is linked to the following:

The PANIC/GRIEF Circuit: Shame is triggered by profound feelings of loneliness or loss.
The Window of Welcome: Shame occurs when we exceed an emotional range that feels acceptable to ourselves or others.
The PLAY Circuit: Vulnerability or joy can provoke shame when met with negative responses.

Healing Through Awareness and Accompaniment

Peyton’s healing approach emphasizes "resonance," which uses empathetic, compassionate conversations to rewire the brain and foster emotional healing. By targeting emotional circuits and breaking unconscious contracts, individuals can begin to shift from shame to self-compassion.

This process includes:

Identifying and Naming: Acknowledging the emotions connected to shame.
Emotional Release: Letting the body and mind process these emotions.
Verbal Exploration: Examining and challenging hidden rules that reinforce shame.

Conclusion

The journey to overcoming persistent shame isn’t just emotional; it’s also about understanding how shame is wired into our nervous system. By exploring Sarah Peyton’s concepts of "alarmed aloneness" and challenging unconscious contracts, we can start unravelling the deep beliefs that keep shame in place. Peyton’s work offers practical tools to move from shame to self-compassion and emotional resilience.

If you’ve ever struggled with shame or feel stuck in self-judgment, this understanding of shame’s neuroscience might open new pathways to healing. Sarah Peyton’s work not only highlights the emotional and physiological roots of shame but also provides practical strategies for transformation. For more information on her approach, visit her website here.